“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old but on building the new.”
I set an intention for 2015 to surrender and let go of the idea that I have control over anything. This intention came screaming in with the new year and has thrust me into some of the most challenging moments I have had in a very long time. I strongly dislike the discomfort that change brings, but I also recognize (and am grateful for) the gifts it leaves in its wake.
Those who know me well would tell you that I don't dwell. Please don't mistake this for avoidance. I tend to sink my teeth into my life lessons and propel myself into the next chapter armed with my past as a guide for my future. I may move at warp speed, but the lessons are still sinking in.
We lost Bella on April 10, 2015. I thought it would be a very long time before we would welcome another pup into our hearts. I thought it would be good to teach the boys about grief and we would walk the cycle of loss together. I told myself, and others, that it was a good opportunity for me to guide them start to finish through a grief cycle and really show them how to work through feelings.
We still have Finley and I thought she would like being the center of our puppy world. I started taking her everywhere with us and taught the boys to walk her and share in the responsibility of caring for her. Weeks were passing and she was losing weight and refused to go outside while the emptiness left by Bella lingered. Limbo is a funny place to live and it started to dawn on me that although the grief is strong, we have a lot of love to give.
On a Friday night, through a random series of events played out by supporting characters that have no idea how they impacted me, I casually looked at available pups in Colorado. There are more than you can even imagine and heart started to open up as I saw these little faces. I started emailing about some of the pups who looked like a good fit, until I saw him.
Saturday morning I woke to an email reply to my inquiry about Issun. She prompted me to fill out the application on line and was very patient as I continued to email and ask questions. The jest of it was that there is a process and I was at the very beginning of a first come, first rescue operation with a thorough vetting process. This all volunteer organization has a step by step process all dedicated to rescuing pups and finding them forever homes. I fell in love twice that day; once with Issun and the other with The Retriever Rescue of Colorado.
The process consisted of an application, phone interview, home visit, match making, foster visit, and finally commitment. Each step couldn't come fast enough and I had to be patient with the people who I know were offering their own valuable time to help me. I fought like hell to make sure each person I came into contact with knew how strongly I felt that Issun was our guy. I was repeatedly amazed at how compassionate and generous each person was with their time but also to my plight. Truthfully, I felt a little crazy, but when I know something in my soul, I don't sit and wait for it to come. I wanted to know that if he went to another family it was because it wasn't meant to be, not because I didn't say or do enough.
Half way through the process they were having trouble finding someone to come to Highlands Ranch for a home visit. I immediately saw an opportunity to help and filled out the volunteer application for phone interviews, home visits, fundraising, and obviously anything social media related. I have never felt this inspired to help and I am proud to officially announce that they accepted my volunteer position!
My home visit happened on a Saturday and on Sunday (Mother's Day), the foster home graciously invited us in to meet him even though the weather was wet and the pups hadn't been outside for days. It was the perfect day to meet him and I love that I became his mom that day even though he couldn't come home with us.
We waited as patiently as possible for Thursday to arrive so we could get him home to start bonding, but the strangest feelings swirled in my brain. After his position in our family was secure, reality started to sink in. It's confusing to put all of your energy into forward movement and when you land on the goal with expectations of happiness and excitement but are greeted with doubt and concern.
On a recent family vacation my sister-in-law said to me "Never trust a thought over a feeling." and this alone brings me back when I am spun lately. The grief from the loss of Bella is still very present and I am still working through that, but I am grateful for the little voice that separates fact from fiction and allows me to love so largely.
Over the past few weeks we have welcomed this new little guy into our home and hearts. It's been an adjustment for all. The boys are getting used to not leaving their stuff on the floor and staying at higher elevations in the house to avoid puppy claws and teeth that have left marks on us all. They are bonding but also learning about boundaries. We are introducing responsibility around animals in a way that has always been granted to them before this. There are lessons around how our emotions and energy impacts others as we get crazy the puppy does too, but if we keep it mellow he is happy to chill out. The lessons and bonding are getting stronger and I can see that there is something really awesome happening for them right now, and my heart is full.
Sean wasn't ready to "move on". He trusted my vision and although he voiced concern, allowed me to guide this ship. He now admits that he is so glad we have him. He is healing and learning lessons too, although I doubt he will share them as freely, I can see it in him already. He has changed and is willing to do it all again. I love that about him.
Finley is eating again as of yesterday. She is playing and asserting her power as top dog which is really funny to see.
I am still letting it all sink in and watching my family heal and grow. It's interesting to witness how our choices impact our future. If I had held on to Bella tighter, we may still be dealing with or suffering along with her. Or maybe our grief would have just begun. There are little things I start to notice as things that wouldn't be available to us if we hadn't made the choice to let go when we did.
Fear is a powerful emotion that can guide our hearts. I'm practicing learning the difference between what I think and what I feel and how one impacts the other. If you're connected to me on social, you can look forward to watching Issun grow physically and in our hearts. Thanks for sharing in my story of love and loss and even more love. I have surprised myself in so many ways and can't wait to see what's in store for us all!